According to RPI public safety, at exactly 18:37 EDT, student Liliana Rivera choked and died on a piece of garlic bread. An unnamed informant who was familiar with the situation reported that Rivera had just sat down to eat in the North West corner of the hall. She proceeded to take 4 bites from her cheese pizza before deeming it unfit for human consumption. Rivera then focused on her garlic bread, which was smothered in butter. While the first two bites went as planned, the proceeding bite of garlic bread manager to plant itself in Rivera’s trachea.

The first to arrive at the scene was RPI Public Safety officer Steve Williams. Said Williams of the incident, “It couldn’t have occurred at a better time. I was stationed merely 25 feet away, meaning that Liliana’s death set the new record for the fastest response time!” Regardless of the reaction time, this is the first report of someone who has died in a bread accident. Sodexo, the hospitality services provider at RPI who operates Russell Sage Dining Hall, could not be reached for comment.

Editors Note: This was a proof on concept article that worked in about 8 hours.

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